THIS GUY

I’ve said many times… all I have is MY story.  I don’t know anyone else’s…. only mine.

Trial and error… mostly error, but… I’ve tried and I keep trying.  What else can us humans do really?

We form relationships and we find which one’s we fit into.

The one’s we don’t fit into… we eventually check out of… and more times than not I would say it’s for the best.   This has happened to me over the years with friends, family and even marriages.

People either recognize one another or they don’t.

People also change.  I for one… have changed many times in my life.

I am closing in on my 39th birthday at the end of this month and I cannot believe the man I have become, the things I believe…and the things I no longer believe.

If anyone told me 10 years ago I would be this guy… I would have disagreed and said… “NEVER”.

Here I am however… “this guy”.   When I was caught up in the churchy world of modern popular Americanized Christianity I was in deep depression daily FOR YEARS trying to fight off things that I called sin when indeed they were perfectly natural and human.  It took too long, but I got through it all.  I quit beating myself up for being natural, being human, being…  ME… and I began feeling much more comfortable as “this guy” that I’ve become.

I took a bit of pride in never trying to change anyone if they didn’t see things my way… I even realized that “my way” may not be “the right way” for other people.

I still feel that way.   Even now that I am this guy.

I finally like this guy.   I don’t understand why I made certain decisions along the way, but I just keep moving.   I try to tell myself every morning that THIS…day… could be my last (as with us all) and I should try to make decisions according to that possibility.  It helps sometimes, but other times I just fall on my face again… BUT I GET UP.  I never stay down…and I won’t.

I’ve also learned to not allow ANYONE to walk on me, put me down, make “fun” of me.

It’s an amazing feeling when you find enough confidence to put your “bullies” in their place.  I’ve written on bullies several times.  Look back through my journals and enjoy.

The fact is… for me…. That NO ONE is better than anyone else.   Yes, they may hold a higher office than me… they may have more schooling than I do…  they may even be more experienced in certain areas…BUT – no one of them are “better” than me and when they act as such… my mouth will not stay closed.

I am proud of who my sons are becoming.   My oldest speaks his mind daily with no fear.  I do try to direct him to be patient and LISTEN before he speaks and to remember it’s not about being right… instead it’s about CONVERSATION.   Non agenda based conversation with those who think they are or know better than we do.   When the person can’t be dealt with…  WALK AWAY from them.  You don’t need them in your life anyway.  There is a world full of human beings who we connect with and can share our lives with that will love us for WHO we are….and…who we become.

This morning’s online journal has been brought to you with two cups of dark magic black coffee and a touch of nicotine (not much, just a touch) – I’d hate to be judged wrongfully by the same people who use these vices much more than I do.   Peace to you all….  And shit.